Its not as easy as A B C

Its been awhile since I have updated this blog. There are countless things that I would like to blog about. Yet spontaneous train of thoughts that have materialized in my mind seemed to have vanished as I attempt to form it into words. It just comes to a jilted halt. Point blank. *flies buzzing in the background* Nil, Nada...

Sigh.

Just a few weeks ago. I had this wonderful rhyme in my head. I love composing poems. There is a streak of pride in me when I used to see my name published below my poems in the local newspaper during my school days. I relish a wonderful rhyme. Everything seemed so beautiful.

However, when I typed it out on my phone (I had no proper stationary at that time), everything did not seemed as perfect as it sounded in my head. The rhyme that was typed out did not seemed as promising as it was earlier. And I grew weary. I just seemed to have lost it.

I did not bother salvaging the rhyme and contemplated deleting it. Yet a part of me still held on to that rhyme. Instead of deleting it, I kept it aside in my phone and neglected it. Not one day, have I managed to scroll through that rhyme to finish it.

That rhyme represents a part of what I am going through in my life now. There are a lot of things I have been neglecting lately. Everything seemed so unfinished. Not only are they unfinished, but I seemed to have so many different aims, that I am not focused on what I am doing. I am a whirlwind of confusion. The road that I am taking seemed to have divided itself into several narrow parts. Each journey that I am seeking seems bleak. And uncertain.

Everything may seemed so confusing now. But I strongly believe that narrow bumpy road that seemed so scary now, will hopefully materialize into a rich flyover and lead me to a beautiful rose garden, complete with all types of interesting flowers.

But first I must learn to finish that rhyme and choose the right narrow path, to unlock the next level of my journey.

And also notwithstanding to thank God for everything that He has placed in my way. He has blessed me in numerous ways that are unimaginable and are unthinkable. And I believe that these roads are placed for a reason.

And please guide me out, if you are there beside me. I need the support I can get :)

Love dishes.

You know how its sad when you do not appreciate the things/people you have around you, but once they are gone...There's just no way of having them back anymore.

You regret. You digress, but its not going to bring him or her or even it back.

When I was young, (it always bogs down to your past doesn't it?) I was very fortunate to have a lot of people whom I love and who showered me with unconditional love around me. Their love filled me with joy. Of course there are sometimes when we have the little "Big fights" that resulted in anger and rage, but still there was always family love.

My parents were constantly busy all the time with their careers. So my parents deposited us in my maternal grandparents along with my Malaysian cousins. However, my grandparents too felt that they were obliged to go to America too to take care of my cousins there as well (They were equal in their love), so they called on my grandmother's sister. My grandaunt also known as YiPor to us.

And she was awesome. Her food was great. She had a knack of cooking up lovely dishes that could have been sought after in your local coffee shop, if she opened up. She was wise and she enjoyed looking after my cousins and I. It was until I was in primary four when she started focusing all her attention on us, because my aunt resigned. It was great. She was an awesome grandaunt.

However, after years of working and taking care of us. She decided to go back to Kelantan. And now after being back for a week of holidays. She is going back again. I missed all those childhood years when she took care of us and tears start streaming in my eyes when I think of the time I made her cry when I made her angry, the laughter I felt when I'm happy.

This time when she was back, she looked so much older and she had lost the appetite that she once had when she was working with us the last time. She is a little deaf and one has to scream when one has to talk to her.

It literally broke my heart. Its period. I tell you. Its period.

Oh well, its time to close the doors on my childhood past, and to look forward to the future.

Someone threw a stone, and it knocked some sense into me.

If there is one significant thing I've realized while juggling a relationship...Its that it is one of the most DIFFICULT thing to do.

You have inevitable happy moments, yet at the same time you share the same inevitable sorrowful moments as well. You get happy, you get angry.You laugh, you fight. You are in a loving mood at one moment, and by next you can't help but despise the person you love (the irony) *scoff*. You laugh, you smile and the next thing you know, both of you are sharing the same tears. You both promise to love as long as it goes, and the next thing you know there are declarations of break ups.

The paradox of relationships.

Like for instance, let me give you a recap of what happened yesterday.

We were having a wonderful, jolly good time. We laughed along with my friends in Jusco. Everything seemed like a gale of a time. Happiness oozes all around. Then one little misfit occured in a shop, and the next thing I knew, I was stomping angrily out of the store, throwing tantrums at him- and he at me.

The next thing we knew or at least I knew, was that I wanted a break up. I know it was overly dramatic (but I have this mismanagement with my temper). He at once declared that he wanted to. I wanted to just closed that chapter in my life and move on, and he did not retaliate.

During the silent journey back (we had to first stop to pick my sister), I, the vocal one told him that on my part, I've been trying to change, and be very patient. And I told him more of what was bothering me. He kept quiet. Next thing I knew, his hands snaked around to mine, and held it in a firm grip.

I was angry, but I succumbed and try to relax- my blood pulse, slowing down a little. We tried to come to a compromise....

I know I'm a difficult person and it is very difficult for me to handle this phase in my life. But I'm trying...even though sometimes it kills me too.

So kids, if you are reading this, please don't believe Hollywood mushy-type, passion-infused stories we see on the big screen.

Its pure Crap!

Fast forward

Never believe that things happen for a reason....But how this turns out, so believe....
Natasha Bedingfield, Again.

I'm so confused. Numerous things have changed since I first started college last year. I've met new people, mingled with others and basically experience a few things that I never thought I would achieved when I was eighteen. Though, it may not be sex or clubbing (I believe in abstinence before marriage, though it may sound cliched and traditional, but I rather spend the rest of my life giving myself to my other half, then to do something stupid, and regret it for the rest of my life and well, I'm not really too fond of noisy, smokey place. Maybe I might check out a club one day, but I don't see myself that soon in the near future!)

The thing is, I've turned into a person that I never thought I'd be when I was younger. I matured. I've developed loads of thoughts that my childish mind would never have thought off. I'm just so confused with so many things. Worries about not having the ideal career have indeed crossed my mind. I'm a wondering person.

My eyes are etched with dark rings indicating some sleepless nights, tossing and turning.

Just last week, I went on a trip to Bali, and during that trip, I met this lady(a friend of my parents). She was bubbly cheerful and she talked about her husband, whom she had lost to a sudden heart attack. She was trying to recall of some happy memories and trying to stay strong during the trip (which she did with much grace), yet I guess, that there were still part of her that couldn't believe the sudden turn of events, that just happened over night. Even though, she had definitely come to terms with her lost, yet we outsiders (though we maybe friends), may not really know her hidden feelings.

Its just sad how things may change just over night. Pain seared through me, when I thought of her.

Sigh, lets not take things for granted. Anything can happen.

Untitled- Part 3

..........
Allysa's sister cradled her softly in her arms, as Allysa continued to lay dumbstruck as the drug began to kick in. Her face was ashen as she looked at her once-angelic sister. Her shaky finger traced the line of Allysa's once perfect rosy cheekbone structure that was a constant envy among her friends. Her once perfect cheekbones, flawless skin and perfect face was what had made her the rising stature to popularity in school and later on to being one of the most top highest-paying supermodels in the country. As we all know, all that has dissipated, given the condition that she was in.

Now, gone were the perfect rosy cheekbones. It was replaced with a green, nauseaus look. Her cheekbones look so sunken and haggard that they had a fearful skull-look to it. Her untrimmed eyebrows had grown and become darker. Her once beautiful full-of-life almond shaped eyes have turned dull and lifeless and she was so thin and frail that she looked so fragile, that anyone but her sister would have not dare to lay a single finger on her, in case they might accidentally break a single bone.

After a few moments of being cradled, Allysa's eyes started to droop and then she drifted off into a dreamless sleep that the two pills have given her. Her face was taut and unpeaceful like there were a lot of loaded burdens on her. Her sister looked on sadly, and continued to trace her finger to her jawline. She tried to shrug off the bad mental images of Allysa which she had a sudden flashback on and instead tried to focus on her good memories of Allysa. It always gave her a slight peace of mind to remember what Allysa once was and how happy she had been when she was young. It gave her hope to think that maybe all was not lost for her.

After dwelling for awhile, she managed to locate a small piece of memory of Allysa that seemed so far away now, given her condition.

Allysa was 5. Her mousy brown hair (which she had before she dyed it to red) was smooth and wavy. Her face was fair and her cheeks were very rosy. She was seated in a little white Victorian wooden chair with a small table where she was playing with the beautiful Victorian tea cup set that their parents had given her, in her room. The table came along with four chairs, and while Allysa vacated the first one, she had two other chairs being vacated was her two favorite dolls. The last chair was for her sister. She never forgets her sister.

Allysa was the most spoiled of the two sisters. Anna, Allysa's older sister was more independant and usually lacked the luxury that Allysa had. They were 9 years apart, and even though she lacked everything that her sister had that she did not. She did not envy her. In fact she loved her so much that she too spoiled her, just as her parents had.

Anna was beautiful in every way that Allysa had, except that she was more of a natural and innocent beauty. Both sisters had brown hair and brown eyes and they had almost the same features,except that Anna had more of a matured edge to her, whereas Allysa had more of a childish, carefree and happy edge to her given their ages apart. Their characteristics differ too Anna was gifted with the ability to write of high calibre whereas Allysa was more of a playful sister who had a flair for the dramatics, given her flamboyant attitude. In other words performing arts at a very young age.

Anna knocked at five-years old Allysa's door. And it was opened with wide-eyed Allysa welcoming her with a happy bounce and greeting her with "Anna-belly...Anna-belly,ready for our tea party?" and she rushed and gave her a happy bear hug.

"I'm ready if you are ready!" Anna replied happily and gave her a great big bear hug. She smoothed down Allysa's pink tea-party frock which their parents got her for her birthday and which Allysa wears whenever she decides to have a tea party.

"Okay, come over and sit beside Louise" she said indicating a big vintage doll with brown hair and blue eyes that was clad in a pink party frock with her thumb. Since she had a slight lisp she pronounced Louise as "Louia". Then she realizing something is wrong she turned to Annabelle and said with a slight pout "Anna-belly, you are not dressed in a pink party frock! Today is pink day!" Anna who was clad in a yellow party frock, laughed and said "awww. I will go and change if you like." She gave her a little tickle under the chin and young Allysa laughed and said in her five year old voice"Its okay, Anna-belly, next time you have to wear pink! Promise?"

Anna smiled down at her and said "Yes baby!" and they proceeded to have their tea party.

Anna was deep in thought, when Allysa suddenly stirred from her slight coma and coughed. "Anna..."

PMS-es

PMS (Pre-menstrual syndrome)-Every girl's favorite complain.

If there is one thing, I detest most in the world, is having to undergo PMS. Your mood instantly becomes a whirlwind of guilt, unhappiness, sadness, tiredness and crankiness. You snap at every single thing and at every single one. Everything to you is not perfect and seemed to be out of the context. Your relationships with everyone turns sour. You find every single thing to fight about with people closest to you. You feel as if you are bind against your will and that no one understands you. You do not have any place that you wish to go. You feel fat, ugly and despite the fact that you despise yourself for hating yourself so much, guilt creeps in once again.

I hate PMS. Sometimes, I wonder why we are faced with the imbalance hormones cycle, where us girls have to suffer by going through that idiotic cycle, where we faced so much of grief and petulance. Facing menstruation isn't exactly a pretty sight either.

But if there is one thing, I have learned from the dinner table today, I learned from my grandfather that nonetheless that we should be thankful for everything we faced in life. It seems like a cliche thing to remember, but it is something simple that we complicated humans forget. We always forget the simple things in life. And the person we should thank everything for is none other than God. Because it is HE who supplies us with everything.

I know, I've not been one who seem religious on the outside...I am not, don't get me wrong. I am a Christian but I am not exactly religious. (That is because I believe that the word religion is a context where people tend to pray more towards their way of living than to the initial meaning of it all. Like brushing your mouth religiously everyday...is a religion as well). But I do believe that there is a God in the world. After all, growing up with a family who have been Christians for 17 years, I have been brought up to go to church and I have witnessed some things that have been proven that God exist). And I know that without Him, we cease to exist. And I do have faith in Him. I may not be at the top of my achievement, the top at everything...But it is enlightening to know that He is someone who loves me so!

Amen

Can't undo the past

There are some things I have done that I've regretted throughout my life. But last night was the worst. To have that loved one lose faith in you, and cause his love to dissipitate, was like a knife being sliced through your heart. My heart ache thinking about it.

The verge of breaking up was sauntering up upon me.

Tears sprang to my eyes, when he told me the truth. The painful truth of how I have treated him. The temper that I have always unleashed on him, has now become a horrible nightmare. The fact that I was demanding and controlling bitch, didn't make me feel any better.

I was my alter ego once and for all again. Pride had broken the once perfect me.

And the saddest thing is this: I can't do anything except to say I'm sorry.
Sorry sorry sorry. The most cliched word in the whole of the Webster and Oxford Dictionary.

I'm sorry I can't right the wrongs of the past. I'm trying to change, but it is not as easy as it seems. I hurt more than you would ever know just thinking about it. Unlike you, the ghost of my past is slowly unleashing upon me....

The words "I love you" may constantly be muttered. But this time, it defines a clear purpose. A true meaning.